Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Blotter 28: At least the burglar had his priorities in order....

See? Blog's not entirely dead. But I am learning that small-town life just isn't nearly as hilarious in the winter. People are staying indoors and refraining from random acts of hilarity. When they do venture outdoors, they're either creating traffic carnage on the ice, or vandalizing things, which really isn't that funny. More like a bored puppy locked up in the house too long. I hope things will get amusing again once the weather warms up. Until then, I'll take what I can get:

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 2/1/10:

- A sheriff’s office report was received at 10 a.m. Saturday of a burglary at a Mission Hill residence. A Toshiba flat-screen television, a DVD player and a bag of Doritos were stolen.

Because the Netflix movies he stole from a neighbor's mailbox won't watch themselves. I think the Doritos were a particularly nice touch.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Blotter 27: Yankton, you need to be more hilarious, this crap just isn't cutting it.

Yeah. I know I suck at updating my blog. I place the blame squarely on Yankton. Nothing worth posting has ended up in the Yankton blotter in quite some time, and not seeing funny business in Yankton's paper saps my motivation so that I don't look at other online blotters.

So this is a call to the residents of Yankton, South Dakota. Go out and do funny shit. Get drunk, get naked, get stupid. Nine people read this blog and they are counting on you to give them mild amusement. Just don't get yourselves hurt. That's not what we're about here at STPB.

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, 12/16/09:

12:09 p.m. A small amount of paint came off of a county vehicle while going through a carwash.

Seriously?? Why this warranted a call to ANYBODY let alone the police, is beyond me.

1:36 p.m. Three counterfeit $20 bills turned up at an Evergreen box store. They were poorly done, having lived former lives as $5 bills.

I for one have to give the counterfeit bills credit. Rather than be content with the lowly status in life that they were assigned, they aspired to be something more. Way to go, little guys. Keep fighting the good fight.

10:27 p.m. Someone on Spring Creek Drive noticed several parties get out of their vehicles, engage in what appeared to be a fight, and then leave.

The first rule of Fight Club is YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. Geesh!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Blotter 26: Drugs are bad, (and so is public urination) mmkay?

From the Kittitas County Washington Daily Record, Nov. 13-17:

A person reported seeing someone smoke meth or marijuana on Sixth Avenue.

Somehow I picture whoever called in this report as an agitated senior citizen. And the actual conversation went something like this: "Them delinquent kids is at it again, down the road. They're over there smokin' that roofer. Or they're shootin' up that crystal mess...whatever they call it...the stuff that makes your pecker fall off." Generally speaking, the paraphernalia associated with each drug is somewhat different- you can't really smoke weed out of a lightbulb or off a piece of tinfoil. Not that I'm an expert on such things, or anything.

People were reportedly urinating on someone’s yard on Brooksfield Street.

A person reportedly urinated in someone’s yard on Main Street.

A 40-year-old man reportedly walked outside and urinated on Fourth Avenue.

Apparently it was Public Urination Day in Kittitas County, and these folks were just trying to get in on the festivities. Either that, or they are practicing for the big annual "Write Your Name in the Snow" competition that takes place in January.

And finally...
A person reported they believed their friend was being misrepresented on Facebook on B Street.

Because that's SUCH a good reason to get the police involved. God forbid their friend should fail to have anybody respond to their status updates, or have too few people accept invitations to his birthday party- the SWAT team might just have to show up!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Blotter 25: The Dog Whisperer, Dogs Gone Wild

First, a note from STPB: You may (or may not) notice that posting has been and will continue to be slower than normal for a while. I've recently moved way out in the middle of nowhere (about 3 miles down the dirt road featured in the blog's title photo above, in fact.) I am in the process of trying to rectify my Internet connectivity issues. I'll try to make updates to the blog when I can- but for now, please bear with me. Know that I deeply appreciate all of my 9 readers, including my dear mother...we'll be back to normal soon, I hope. Now, without further ado:

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, Oct 30, 2009:

1:23 p.m. Someone on Larch Lane reports that a neighbor was beating their dog with a board. Authorities arrived to find that the dog had been attacking sheep, and advised the owner as to better disciplinary technique.

Gee....ya think? Confining the dog so that he couldn't get to the sheep must have been too hard. I'd hate to see this person's parenting technique. Kid getting into fights at school? Beat him with a board until he figures out that violence is not the answer.

These entries are from the same paper, but from October 28, 2009:

11:10 a.m. A pit bull and a golden retriever mix ran wild on Highway 2 West.

I like to think there was a camera crew and alcohol involved....and at some point, you just KNOW one of these dogs got drunk, rolled over & bared eight perky boobies for the camera.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Blotter 24: More Parenting Lessons from the Yankton PD

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, Oct 14 2009:

• A report was received at 7:12 p.m. Tuesday that toys had been left in the road in the 800 block of Birch. A mother and child were spoken with about the incident.

• A report was received at 8:19 p.m. Tuesday of a juvenile urinating outside in the 2200 block of Douglas. Contact was made with the child’s mother, who denied that her child had been outside.

I can just imagine the officer's lecture: "Keep your toys picked up; learn to use your big boy potty, or else we'll have to take you downtown and put you in the time-out corner for 20 minutes."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Blotter 23- Restroom time limits for the homeless?

From the Kittitas County WA Daily Record, Oct 12-13, 2009:

A homeless man was reportedly in the restroom for 10 minutes on Canyon Road.

Hey, he's homeless...maybe he can't afford Metamucil or that fancy fiber-filled yogurt that makes old ladies shit themselves with brain-dead glee. (Seriously, click the link, it's funny). Homeless or not, can't a guy just sit down and drop a deuce in peace for once?

Is it just me, or does this entry deserve the "poop" tag too? You tell me.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Blotter 22- "They beat me up and stole my....methamphetamine?"

From the Kittitas County Daily Record, Washington:

A woman reported that a friend came to her residence and said people beat him up and stole his methamphetamine in Cle Elum.

Ya know, there was a time when a guy could walk down the street with a pocket full of crystal meth and not have to worry about having it stolen. In my day, bullies mostly gave out swirlies and wedgies, and then stole your lunch money. My, how times have changed.

A woman reportedly took off her rings to wash her hands, turned momentarily, and then the rings were reportedly stolen at Indian John Rest Area along I-90.

Wait...."Indian John" is the name of the rest area? Awesome. I never knew that, despite having been there. They named the roadside toilets "Indian John". That's great. A little politically incorrect perhaps, but great nevertheless.