Saturday, September 26, 2009

Blotter 20: Woodland toilet, Limbaugh's ranch in Montana

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, 9/26/09:

8:54 a.m. Someone on Elk Park Road noticed a suspicious figure wandering around the reporting party’s house. Authorities contacted the stranger, who explained that he was relieving himself in the woods after eating a dinner that upset his stomach.

I guess indoor plumbing isn't universal in this neck of the...erm...woods? And relieving himself "after dinner" 8:54 in the morning?

10:15 a.m. A counterfeit $50 bill showed up at a local casino.

He just wanted to play the slots, I guess?

3:06 p.m. A resident of Labrant road has been receiving hate mail for several years.

What he failed to mention was that he is actually Rush Limbaugh and was visiting his Montana ranch home to get in a quick deer hunt before going back on the air Monday. Case closed.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Blotter 19: More potty-training; policeman style

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, Sep. 17 2009:

• A report was received at 7:54 p.m. Wednesday of juveniles who had possibly urinated on playground equipment at Beadle School. The suspects were located, and an officer spoke with them.

How do you determine a "possible urination suspect"? Where I come from, this sort of behavior out of elementary school students can usually be handled sufficiently with a stern reprimand from an adult. Who actually reaches for the cell phone & dials 911 over a puddle of kiddie-urine?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Blotter 18: I never knew the mail came on Sundays....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 9/14/09:

• A report was received at 2:19 p.m. Sunday that feces had been found in a mailbox in the 1300 block of East 15th St.

"Bills, bills, junk mail, bills, feces, Sharper Image catalog....Oh...hey sweet! We got a postcard from Grandma!"

I have to wonder whether this was a home-brewed prank, or if somebody went to all the trouble to pay "" to pull this one off...

When I started this blog, not too long ago, I never imagined I'd be using the "poop" tag more than once. Thank you Yankton for exceeding my expectations in all ways possible.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Blotter 17: Grandma catburglar, dryer repair, more bear behavior...

More beauties from Montana's Flathead Beacon, 9/9/09:

10:10 p.m. A man and his children arrived home to find that all of the house lights had been turned on in their absence. The shady intruder turned out to be the children’s grandmother.
Shady grandma, reeeal shady.

1:32 p.m. A teenaged individual knocked on a Shady Lane door, asking for money to help fund his college education. The resident, a welfare recipient, denied this request and in turn asked if the teen would lend him $10.

9:04 a.m. Nine cows wandered about on Highway 2 West. The cows were well within their rights to do so, as the area was open range.
First, and quite possibly the last time you'll find the phrase "cows were well within their rights" in a Montana newspaper, I think.

8:33 a.m. Residents of Ridgewood Drive were alarmed to hear what seemed to be shouting and gunshots in the area. Authorities arrived to find that a man at the residence was not harming others but rather had lost his temper while fixing the dryer.
Ah, the cherished rural tradition of "fixing" troublesome appliances with one's 12-gauge.

5:34 p.m. Someone camping approximately 7 miles up the North Fork Road reports that a bear came into his camp, destroyed his belongings and ate all his food.
Yep, bears have been known to do that occasionally. "Yogi needs his pic-a-nic basket, Booboo!"

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Blogger 16: Cow chaos, normal bear behavior and evil cats.

From the Flathead Beacon, Flathead Valley Montana, 9/8/09:

10:09 a.m. A black calf ran amok in Creston.
"Ran amok"?? Are we sure it wasn't this lady....? (Seriously, click the link. It beats anything I've posted here so far!!)

11:39 a.m. Someone claimed to have found an open suitcase full of old clothes on Hubbard Dam Road. The supposed abandoned luggage turned out to be a pile of trash.
Suitcase full of clothes....pile of trash. Oh, the similarities...anybody could have made this mistake, right?

2:00 p.m. A mama bear and her two cubs exhibited normal bear behavior near the mailboxes on Lone Pine Road.
"Normal bear behavior"?? Normal bears would probably be trying to eat the mailboxes, I'd think.

2:36 p.m. One of the teachers at a Bigfork School did not enjoy the presence of a bat in the area. in "baseball" or "small blind flying mammal"?? I could see someone being uncomfortable with the animal-bat...but at 2:36 in the afternoon? Where was this bat? And if she was uncomfortable with a baseball bat, maybe there's some 'bizarre phobia' episode of Maury waiting for her...

2:20 p.m. One kid supposedly threatened another kid with a knife at an RV park on Helena Flats Road. Upon closer inspection, the weapon turned out to be a fingernail file.
Get back, or I'll cut you, ese. Or I'll give you a pedicure. You pick.

10:52 p.m. An individual on Whitefish Stage Road was alarmed to see something moving in the nearby willow trees. The mysterious prowler turned out to be a harmless domestic cat.
"Harmless"? Pah! Cats are evil...and this one was plotting something, rest assured.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Blotter 15- They Think It's Funny, Too

Apparently, I'm not the only one who finds hilarity in the Yankton police blotter. The guy at the Press and Dakotan who is responsible for reading through the police logs & transcribing them to the paper has also found plenty of cause for laughter in the past year. He wrote an article listing some of his favorite incidents. They all pre-date this blog, so I figured I'd post the article. Here is a direct link to the article:
YPD Cop Files: Lost, Found or Posessed? by Nathan Johnson

And here's the article in its entirety:

Scouring the logs of the Yankton Police Department and the Yankton County Sheriff’s Office on a daily basis can often be mundane work. But occasionally, the effort is rewarded with an entry that provokes curiosity, laughter, bafflement or a combination of all three.

During the course of the past year, I’ve collected the following entries. The names of the (mostly) innocent have been withheld.


• Remember to always check your pockets. It could save you from a trip to jail, as one man learned. He reported that $160 was stolen from his wallet. Upon meeting with him, police found there was a warrant out for his arrest. During his admission into jail, the missing cash was found in his pants pocket. Case solved.

• A woman called the sheriff’s office to request assistance in removing her husband from the house. Why? She was mad at him for bringing a stripper home to spend the night. Fortunately, no assault had taken place and arrests were not necessary.

• A male black-and-white kitten “was found attempting to shop” at a local department store when it was captured and taken to the pound.

• Who is the man in the mirror? Apparently, he’s the guy who enters your residence at night while you are sleeping. A man reported that a male who looked just like him had entered his apartment while he was asleep. The report didn’t elaborate on what exactly the doppelgänger did. The complainant just wanted the police to know that it had happened.

• Talk about a crappy situation for all involved. A report was received that a 3-year-old was missing. He was eventually found hiding under a bed because he had soiled his pants.

• Rusty was one cool cat — until you got him into a vehicle, anyway. The owner gave the orange cat to four people, who were transporting the animal to their home in a vehicle. Along the way, Rusty snapped and bit every one of his captors before he was set loose. At the time of the report, he had not been located.

• “Dude, where is my car?” we suspect a woman might have asked when she reported her vehicle stolen. She had walked out of a store and could not find it. And then the complainant remembered: Her daughter had taken the vehicle, and she had actually walked to the store.

• Further evidence that time spent shopping can be bad for your brain: A report was received that a vehicle had been stolen from a parking lot. However, it turned out that the individuals had simply left the shopping center from a different point than they had entered. Once that detail was worked out, the vehicle was located.

• As all those who believe in such things know, God sometimes works in mysterious ways. In this case, a Minnesota man called police to inform them that he was being harassed by a Yankton man who has a “lost soul” and has not been “reading his Bible.” The complainant could not explain exactly how he was being harassed, and no follow-up was done to determine whether the accused would be making good with his Creator anytime soon.

• I have friends who are Steelers fans, so I can vouch for the fact that they are an excitable bunch. But I guess I’ve got to cut them some slack occasionally. A report was received of an individual being beaten with a bat inside a residence. Police arrived at the scene to find a man and his wife waving “Terrible Towels” during a Steelers game.

• Residents reported that a hamster and a bolt-action rifle with a scope were taken from their home while they were away during the previous month. I can’t help but wonder whether “Hambo” actually just made a run for it.

• A woman reported that a female was stalking and harassing her. However, police told the complainant that when someone is invited to a residence and they knock on a door to gain entry, that is not considered harassment or stalking. Still, the visitor was advised not to return, or she would be arrested for trespassing after notice.

• Those ducks know how to — what? A report was received that a duck with a broken leg was being assaulted by several other ducks. An officer informed the concerned parties that the ducks were mating.

• It wasn’t Halloween — it was May, actually — so a man was concerned when he saw a “witch convention.” Police found several adults dressed like witches in the front yard of a home, but they did not observe the coven breaking any modern-day laws.

• You think it’s a thing of the past for people to run off with the carnival? You’re wrong. A Nebraska man called police because he was concerned about an 18-year-old woman who had joined the carnival. He believed the show was heading to Yankton. Police advised the man that the woman was an adult and could make her own choices.

• Have you heard this? Police received a report that marijuana was being “spoken” in a trailer home.

• A woman reported that an object appeared to have fallen from an airplane and became lodged in her roof. An officer located the object and informed her that it appeared to be her sewer vent pipe.

• In the good old days, someone would follow you around and then beat you up. Today, harassment has become much more ominous. A man reported that several individuals were following him around with a device that makes the headlights on his car remain on for up to 20 seconds after he shuts the car off. An officer kindly advised him that many newer vehicles have headlights that are supposed to do that, and no more police action was taken.

• Here’s a happy ending for you: A woman called police to report her 64-year-old son as a missing person. The authorities were quickly able to alleviate her fears. They informed her to contact the Yankton County jail, where he was being held.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Blotter 14: It's funny because there's a monkey involved.

From the Flathead Beacon, Flathead Valley Montana, 9/4/09:

10:30 p.m. An anonymous caller claims that a chimpanzee beat him up and injured his dog at a Lakeside grocery store. The reporting party adamantly refused to disclose his name, and no such monkey could be located.

This is what happens when good monkeys go bad. I'll bet $20 bucks this is the chimp from "BJ and the Bear". He became disgruntled sometime in the early 80's when America became disinterested in the saga of a trucker and his monkey....and hit the downward spiral into prostitution, amphetamine addiction, alcoholism and finally beating up innocent people and canines somewhere in rural Montana. Such a sad fate for a cheery little monkey.

6:17 p.m. An oversized truck carrying some sort of a boiler blocked both lanes of traffic near an Evergreen sports complex.
10:32 p.m. Someone called from a wireless phone to report that someone was driving eastward in the westbound lane of Highway 40. Authorities could not locate the hazardous driver.

See? Apparently BJ the trucker has hit hard times as well....judging by these driving skills and the oversized load, I'd guess he's now driving for CRST's flatbed division, sans monkey. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Blotter 13: I knew I dropped my baggie of baking powder somewhere....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 9/4/09:

• A woman reported at 12:23 a.m. Thursday that she had found a baggy filled with a white substance in the 100 block of Walnut. Later, two men were looking around the premises. They were stopped for a traffic violation and arrested for possession of a controlled substance.

Dangit, I needed that baking powder to finish baking my zucchini bread, too. Now I will have flat, lifeless zucchini bread that won't rise properly. I hope you're satisfied, lady.