Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Blotter 27: Yankton, you need to be more hilarious, this crap just isn't cutting it.

Yeah. I know I suck at updating my blog. I place the blame squarely on Yankton. Nothing worth posting has ended up in the Yankton blotter in quite some time, and not seeing funny business in Yankton's paper saps my motivation so that I don't look at other online blotters.

So this is a call to the residents of Yankton, South Dakota. Go out and do funny shit. Get drunk, get naked, get stupid. Nine people read this blog and they are counting on you to give them mild amusement. Just don't get yourselves hurt. That's not what we're about here at STPB.

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, 12/16/09:

12:09 p.m. A small amount of paint came off of a county vehicle while going through a carwash.

Seriously?? Why this warranted a call to ANYBODY let alone the police, is beyond me.

1:36 p.m. Three counterfeit $20 bills turned up at an Evergreen box store. They were poorly done, having lived former lives as $5 bills.

I for one have to give the counterfeit bills credit. Rather than be content with the lowly status in life that they were assigned, they aspired to be something more. Way to go, little guys. Keep fighting the good fight.

10:27 p.m. Someone on Spring Creek Drive noticed several parties get out of their vehicles, engage in what appeared to be a fight, and then leave.

The first rule of Fight Club is YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. Geesh!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Blotter 26: Drugs are bad, (and so is public urination) mmkay?

From the Kittitas County Washington Daily Record, Nov. 13-17:

A person reported seeing someone smoke meth or marijuana on Sixth Avenue.

Somehow I picture whoever called in this report as an agitated senior citizen. And the actual conversation went something like this: "Them delinquent kids is at it again, down the road. They're over there smokin' that roofer. Or they're shootin' up that crystal mess...whatever they call it...the stuff that makes your pecker fall off." Generally speaking, the paraphernalia associated with each drug is somewhat different- you can't really smoke weed out of a lightbulb or off a piece of tinfoil. Not that I'm an expert on such things, or anything.

Meanwhile....
People were reportedly urinating on someone’s yard on Brooksfield Street.

A person reportedly urinated in someone’s yard on Main Street.

A 40-year-old man reportedly walked outside and urinated on Fourth Avenue.

Apparently it was Public Urination Day in Kittitas County, and these folks were just trying to get in on the festivities. Either that, or they are practicing for the big annual "Write Your Name in the Snow" competition that takes place in January.

And finally...
A person reported they believed their friend was being misrepresented on Facebook on B Street.

Because that's SUCH a good reason to get the police involved. God forbid their friend should fail to have anybody respond to their status updates, or have too few people accept invitations to his birthday party- the SWAT team might just have to show up!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Blotter 25: The Dog Whisperer, Dogs Gone Wild

First, a note from STPB: You may (or may not) notice that posting has been and will continue to be slower than normal for a while. I've recently moved way out in the middle of nowhere (about 3 miles down the dirt road featured in the blog's title photo above, in fact.) I am in the process of trying to rectify my Internet connectivity issues. I'll try to make updates to the blog when I can- but for now, please bear with me. Know that I deeply appreciate all of my 9 readers, including my dear mother...we'll be back to normal soon, I hope. Now, without further ado:

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, Oct 30, 2009:

1:23 p.m. Someone on Larch Lane reports that a neighbor was beating their dog with a board. Authorities arrived to find that the dog had been attacking sheep, and advised the owner as to better disciplinary technique.

Gee....ya think? Confining the dog so that he couldn't get to the sheep must have been too hard. I'd hate to see this person's parenting technique. Kid getting into fights at school? Beat him with a board until he figures out that violence is not the answer.

These entries are from the same paper, but from October 28, 2009:

11:10 a.m. A pit bull and a golden retriever mix ran wild on Highway 2 West.

I like to think there was a camera crew and alcohol involved....and at some point, you just KNOW one of these dogs got drunk, rolled over & bared eight perky boobies for the camera.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Blotter 24: More Parenting Lessons from the Yankton PD

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, Oct 14 2009:

• A report was received at 7:12 p.m. Tuesday that toys had been left in the road in the 800 block of Birch. A mother and child were spoken with about the incident.

• A report was received at 8:19 p.m. Tuesday of a juvenile urinating outside in the 2200 block of Douglas. Contact was made with the child’s mother, who denied that her child had been outside.


I can just imagine the officer's lecture: "Keep your toys picked up; learn to use your big boy potty, or else we'll have to take you downtown and put you in the time-out corner for 20 minutes."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Blotter 23- Restroom time limits for the homeless?

From the Kittitas County WA Daily Record, Oct 12-13, 2009:

A homeless man was reportedly in the restroom for 10 minutes on Canyon Road.

Hey, he's homeless...maybe he can't afford Metamucil or that fancy fiber-filled yogurt that makes old ladies shit themselves with brain-dead glee. (Seriously, click the link, it's funny). Homeless or not, can't a guy just sit down and drop a deuce in peace for once?

Is it just me, or does this entry deserve the "poop" tag too? You tell me.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Blotter 22- "They beat me up and stole my....methamphetamine?"

From the Kittitas County Daily Record, Washington:

A woman reported that a friend came to her residence and said people beat him up and stole his methamphetamine in Cle Elum.

Ya know, there was a time when a guy could walk down the street with a pocket full of crystal meth and not have to worry about having it stolen. In my day, bullies mostly gave out swirlies and wedgies, and then stole your lunch money. My, how times have changed.

A woman reportedly took off her rings to wash her hands, turned momentarily, and then the rings were reportedly stolen at Indian John Rest Area along I-90.

Wait...."Indian John" is the name of the rest area? Awesome. I never knew that, despite having been there. They named the roadside toilets "Indian John". That's great. A little politically incorrect perhaps, but great nevertheless.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Blotter 21: Go Fish

Alright! My first outside submission from somebody who isn't my mom (not that I don't absolutely love my mother's participation, hi Mom!)
Jess sends this one in, from the Pasadena Citizen in Pasadena, TX, 9/29/09:

Jewelry and goldfish were at the heart of a Pasadena domestic dispute Saturday, when a man reported his common-law wife had kidnapped his seven pet goldfish, and was holding them hostage in an argument over some jewelry she said he had taken from her.

When a police officer went to the couple’s residence in the 1100 block of Queens Road to try to negotiate the release of the unfortunate fish, the woman said she was unable to return them, as she had already fried the fish and eaten three of them.

No charges were filed in the case, according to Vance Mitchell, public information officer for Pasadena Police Department.


I'm at a loss for words here. Except to say, I totally didn't know you could eat goldfish. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Petco to pick up dinner....

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Blotter 20: Woodland toilet, Limbaugh's ranch in Montana

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, 9/26/09:

8:54 a.m. Someone on Elk Park Road noticed a suspicious figure wandering around the reporting party’s house. Authorities contacted the stranger, who explained that he was relieving himself in the woods after eating a dinner that upset his stomach.

I guess indoor plumbing isn't universal in this neck of the...erm...woods? And relieving himself "after dinner"...at 8:54 in the morning?

10:15 a.m. A counterfeit $50 bill showed up at a local casino.

He just wanted to play the slots, I guess?

3:06 p.m. A resident of Labrant road has been receiving hate mail for several years.

What he failed to mention was that he is actually Rush Limbaugh and was visiting his Montana ranch home to get in a quick deer hunt before going back on the air Monday. Case closed.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Blotter 19: More potty-training; policeman style

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, Sep. 17 2009:

• A report was received at 7:54 p.m. Wednesday of juveniles who had possibly urinated on playground equipment at Beadle School. The suspects were located, and an officer spoke with them.

How do you determine a "possible urination suspect"? Where I come from, this sort of behavior out of elementary school students can usually be handled sufficiently with a stern reprimand from an adult. Who actually reaches for the cell phone & dials 911 over a puddle of kiddie-urine?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Blotter 18: I never knew the mail came on Sundays....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 9/14/09:

• A report was received at 2:19 p.m. Sunday that feces had been found in a mailbox in the 1300 block of East 15th St.

"Bills, bills, junk mail, bills, feces, Sharper Image catalog....Oh...hey sweet! We got a postcard from Grandma!"

I have to wonder whether this was a home-brewed prank, or if somebody went to all the trouble to pay "Mailpoop.com" to pull this one off...

When I started this blog, not too long ago, I never imagined I'd be using the "poop" tag more than once. Thank you Yankton for exceeding my expectations in all ways possible.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Blotter 17: Grandma catburglar, dryer repair, more bear behavior...

More beauties from Montana's Flathead Beacon, 9/9/09:

10:10 p.m. A man and his children arrived home to find that all of the house lights had been turned on in their absence. The shady intruder turned out to be the children’s grandmother.
Shady grandma, reeeal shady.

1:32 p.m. A teenaged individual knocked on a Shady Lane door, asking for money to help fund his college education. The resident, a welfare recipient, denied this request and in turn asked if the teen would lend him $10.
Touche'

9:04 a.m. Nine cows wandered about on Highway 2 West. The cows were well within their rights to do so, as the area was open range.
First, and quite possibly the last time you'll find the phrase "cows were well within their rights" in a Montana newspaper, I think.

8:33 a.m. Residents of Ridgewood Drive were alarmed to hear what seemed to be shouting and gunshots in the area. Authorities arrived to find that a man at the residence was not harming others but rather had lost his temper while fixing the dryer.
Ah, the cherished rural tradition of "fixing" troublesome appliances with one's 12-gauge.

5:34 p.m. Someone camping approximately 7 miles up the North Fork Road reports that a bear came into his camp, destroyed his belongings and ate all his food.
Yep, bears have been known to do that occasionally. "Yogi needs his pic-a-nic basket, Booboo!"

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Blogger 16: Cow chaos, normal bear behavior and evil cats.

From the Flathead Beacon, Flathead Valley Montana, 9/8/09:

10:09 a.m. A black calf ran amok in Creston.
"Ran amok"?? Are we sure it wasn't this lady....? (Seriously, click the link. It beats anything I've posted here so far!!)


11:39 a.m. Someone claimed to have found an open suitcase full of old clothes on Hubbard Dam Road. The supposed abandoned luggage turned out to be a pile of trash.
Suitcase full of clothes....pile of trash. Oh, the similarities...anybody could have made this mistake, right?

2:00 p.m. A mama bear and her two cubs exhibited normal bear behavior near the mailboxes on Lone Pine Road.
"Normal bear behavior"?? Normal bears would probably be trying to eat the mailboxes, I'd think.

2:36 p.m. One of the teachers at a Bigfork School did not enjoy the presence of a bat in the area.
Bat....as in "baseball" or "small blind flying mammal"?? I could see someone being uncomfortable with the animal-bat...but at 2:36 in the afternoon? Where was this bat? And if she was uncomfortable with a baseball bat, maybe there's some 'bizarre phobia' episode of Maury waiting for her...

2:20 p.m. One kid supposedly threatened another kid with a knife at an RV park on Helena Flats Road. Upon closer inspection, the weapon turned out to be a fingernail file.
Get back, or I'll cut you, ese. Or I'll give you a pedicure. You pick.


10:52 p.m. An individual on Whitefish Stage Road was alarmed to see something moving in the nearby willow trees. The mysterious prowler turned out to be a harmless domestic cat.
"Harmless"? Pah! Cats are evil...and this one was plotting something, rest assured.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Blotter 15- They Think It's Funny, Too

Apparently, I'm not the only one who finds hilarity in the Yankton police blotter. The guy at the Press and Dakotan who is responsible for reading through the police logs & transcribing them to the paper has also found plenty of cause for laughter in the past year. He wrote an article listing some of his favorite incidents. They all pre-date this blog, so I figured I'd post the article. Here is a direct link to the article:
YPD Cop Files: Lost, Found or Posessed? by Nathan Johnson

And here's the article in its entirety:

Scouring the logs of the Yankton Police Department and the Yankton County Sheriff’s Office on a daily basis can often be mundane work. But occasionally, the effort is rewarded with an entry that provokes curiosity, laughter, bafflement or a combination of all three.

During the course of the past year, I’ve collected the following entries. The names of the (mostly) innocent have been withheld.

———

• Remember to always check your pockets. It could save you from a trip to jail, as one man learned. He reported that $160 was stolen from his wallet. Upon meeting with him, police found there was a warrant out for his arrest. During his admission into jail, the missing cash was found in his pants pocket. Case solved.

• A woman called the sheriff’s office to request assistance in removing her husband from the house. Why? She was mad at him for bringing a stripper home to spend the night. Fortunately, no assault had taken place and arrests were not necessary.

• A male black-and-white kitten “was found attempting to shop” at a local department store when it was captured and taken to the pound.

• Who is the man in the mirror? Apparently, he’s the guy who enters your residence at night while you are sleeping. A man reported that a male who looked just like him had entered his apartment while he was asleep. The report didn’t elaborate on what exactly the doppelg√§nger did. The complainant just wanted the police to know that it had happened.

• Talk about a crappy situation for all involved. A report was received that a 3-year-old was missing. He was eventually found hiding under a bed because he had soiled his pants.

• Rusty was one cool cat — until you got him into a vehicle, anyway. The owner gave the orange cat to four people, who were transporting the animal to their home in a vehicle. Along the way, Rusty snapped and bit every one of his captors before he was set loose. At the time of the report, he had not been located.

• “Dude, where is my car?” we suspect a woman might have asked when she reported her vehicle stolen. She had walked out of a store and could not find it. And then the complainant remembered: Her daughter had taken the vehicle, and she had actually walked to the store.

• Further evidence that time spent shopping can be bad for your brain: A report was received that a vehicle had been stolen from a parking lot. However, it turned out that the individuals had simply left the shopping center from a different point than they had entered. Once that detail was worked out, the vehicle was located.

• As all those who believe in such things know, God sometimes works in mysterious ways. In this case, a Minnesota man called police to inform them that he was being harassed by a Yankton man who has a “lost soul” and has not been “reading his Bible.” The complainant could not explain exactly how he was being harassed, and no follow-up was done to determine whether the accused would be making good with his Creator anytime soon.

• I have friends who are Steelers fans, so I can vouch for the fact that they are an excitable bunch. But I guess I’ve got to cut them some slack occasionally. A report was received of an individual being beaten with a bat inside a residence. Police arrived at the scene to find a man and his wife waving “Terrible Towels” during a Steelers game.

• Residents reported that a hamster and a bolt-action rifle with a scope were taken from their home while they were away during the previous month. I can’t help but wonder whether “Hambo” actually just made a run for it.

• A woman reported that a female was stalking and harassing her. However, police told the complainant that when someone is invited to a residence and they knock on a door to gain entry, that is not considered harassment or stalking. Still, the visitor was advised not to return, or she would be arrested for trespassing after notice.

• Those ducks know how to — what? A report was received that a duck with a broken leg was being assaulted by several other ducks. An officer informed the concerned parties that the ducks were mating.

• It wasn’t Halloween — it was May, actually — so a man was concerned when he saw a “witch convention.” Police found several adults dressed like witches in the front yard of a home, but they did not observe the coven breaking any modern-day laws.

• You think it’s a thing of the past for people to run off with the carnival? You’re wrong. A Nebraska man called police because he was concerned about an 18-year-old woman who had joined the carnival. He believed the show was heading to Yankton. Police advised the man that the woman was an adult and could make her own choices.

• Have you heard this? Police received a report that marijuana was being “spoken” in a trailer home.

• A woman reported that an object appeared to have fallen from an airplane and became lodged in her roof. An officer located the object and informed her that it appeared to be her sewer vent pipe.

• In the good old days, someone would follow you around and then beat you up. Today, harassment has become much more ominous. A man reported that several individuals were following him around with a device that makes the headlights on his car remain on for up to 20 seconds after he shuts the car off. An officer kindly advised him that many newer vehicles have headlights that are supposed to do that, and no more police action was taken.

• Here’s a happy ending for you: A woman called police to report her 64-year-old son as a missing person. The authorities were quickly able to alleviate her fears. They informed her to contact the Yankton County jail, where he was being held.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Blotter 14: It's funny because there's a monkey involved.

From the Flathead Beacon, Flathead Valley Montana, 9/4/09:

10:30 p.m. An anonymous caller claims that a chimpanzee beat him up and injured his dog at a Lakeside grocery store. The reporting party adamantly refused to disclose his name, and no such monkey could be located.

This is what happens when good monkeys go bad. I'll bet $20 bucks this is the chimp from "BJ and the Bear". He became disgruntled sometime in the early 80's when America became disinterested in the saga of a trucker and his monkey....and hit the downward spiral into prostitution, amphetamine addiction, alcoholism and finally beating up innocent people and canines somewhere in rural Montana. Such a sad fate for a cheery little monkey.

6:17 p.m. An oversized truck carrying some sort of a boiler blocked both lanes of traffic near an Evergreen sports complex.
10:32 p.m. Someone called from a wireless phone to report that someone was driving eastward in the westbound lane of Highway 40. Authorities could not locate the hazardous driver.


See? Apparently BJ the trucker has hit hard times as well....judging by these driving skills and the oversized load, I'd guess he's now driving for CRST's flatbed division, sans monkey. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Blotter 13: I knew I dropped my baggie of baking powder somewhere....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 9/4/09:

• A woman reported at 12:23 a.m. Thursday that she had found a baggy filled with a white substance in the 100 block of Walnut. Later, two men were looking around the premises. They were stopped for a traffic violation and arrested for possession of a controlled substance.

Dangit, I needed that baking powder to finish baking my zucchini bread, too. Now I will have flat, lifeless zucchini bread that won't rise properly. I hope you're satisfied, lady.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Blotter 12: Maybe he was just singing "Kumba Ya"??

More from KV News in the Kittitas County area of Washington, Aug 28-31, 2009:

An older man was reportedly holding a cup and swaying back and forth on 18th Avenue.

Maybe he was just the first person in one of those "Hands Across America" chains? And was holding a cup until he could find someone's hand to hold. Ever think of that??

A woman was reportedly talking to herself while waiving to traffic with a beer in her hand on Manitoba Avenue.

See? She was probably just talking on her Bluetooth to the swaying guy, and on her way to hold his hand and sway with him. Sheesh, you people have a hair-trigger on calling 911, don'tcha??

A woman was reportedly screaming during a violent confrontation on Anderson Street.

Come to think of it, I haven't experienced many violent confrontations where the participants discuss matters in a calm, collected manner.

A 30-year-old heavyset man was reportedly riding a bicycle in the middle of the roadway on Main Street in Ellensburg.

Perhaps this was just his attempt to turn himself into a 30-year-old man of average height and weight. Leave a bike-riding fatty alone, at least he's not on the couch eatin' chips. SHARE THE ROAD and SHADDUP!!!

The power was reportedly out on Gee Whiz Road.

Gee Whiz Road?? Seriously? That's AWESOME.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Blotter 11: Timely police reports....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan. Take note of the date: August 28, 2009.

• Police received a report of a possible robbery/terroristic threats that allegedly took place on Aug. 4. The incident was reported at 4 a.m. Friday. The incident is under investigation.

No...there's nothing odd about this. Heck, every time I'm not sure whether or not I've been robbed by a terrorist sleeper cell, I wait the requisite 20-30 days before reporting the incident to the police. Oh, and I make sure to alert the police several hours before sunrise. That way, I don't sound like a crazy person.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Small Town Mexico Is Hilarious, Too

Another contribution by the only person who reads this blog (apparently)....my dear, wonderful mother :)

This blotter is from someplace in Mexico. Here is the link to the original site, in Spanish: http://www.transitolapaz.gob.mx/saladeprensa/archivos_noticias/noticias_completas/noticias_completas_2009/01ene_2009/noticiasdelictivas_ene09_pag1.html

Since my Spanish is limited to the phrases necessary to get a semi truck loaded with fruit at a Texas border-town shipping warehouse; I used Google Translate to get some idea as to what it all says. Which, of course, makes it even more hilarious, since the computerized translation is incredibly awkward.

Oh, and the best part? The mugshots are included on some of these blotters, often times along with the implements involved in the commission of the crime. Here are a few of my favorites:

Robbery at business, law merchant
Later, at 1820 hours elements of this address, on the streets of Czda. Augustine Olachea and Tenochtitlan, on the premises of the law merchant, who made the arrest said his name was Jose Angel Lopez Delgado, 37 years old, homeless and originally from Chihuahua state, since only moments before had attempted to remove without pay a Jimador tequila bottle 950 ml, being surprised by personnel of such negotiations, proceeding to give it to the military, so he was transferred to the rail generally being available to the superiority.



Moral of the story? Don't steal tequila and try to give it to....the military?

At 09:30 hours yesterday, parts of this address, on the streets of Campeche and lane three, they arrested who gave his name, Francisco Encarnación Romero Ojeda, 31 years old, it was reported by the C. Benito Yepez Maldonado, 20 years old, just before that person had entered her home and had taken a flange type hydraulic jack, an extension cord and a bag of tent, therefore, requested the presence of uniform for his arrest, as would happen at the Agency of the Prosecutor's Common Law, to settle his claim for, so that reported he was arrested and taken to the railing where he was generally available to the superiority.


(Don't you just HATE it when your "bag of tent" gets stolen?? Mine disappears every time I turn my back, it seems. Next time somebody steals it, I'm going to request the "presence of uniform" too- airline pilot, preferrably....it'll help comfort me in my time of loss. And while I am sure this is just one of the quirks of Google translate, I really wonder what this whole "taken to the rail/railing" thing is? Sounds painful.)

Vegetable green and dry
At 12:50 hours yesterday, parts of this address, on the streets of Gomez Farias and Jalisco, who made the arrest said his name was Benjamin Lopez Gonzalez, 33 years old, alias "El Coyote" by occupancy car wash, same as above just before traveling on streets, on board a mountain bike type, white color with gray, and was smoking a cigarette, and noting the presence of the soldiers, without any reason attitude was quite nervous, so it was intercepted meters ahead, noting that agents who smoked cigarettes was forged from a green vegetable and dry, and to undergo a body search, he found two plastic wrappings, which each contain within it a green and dry vegetation, giving an approximate total weight of the cigarette and two wrappers of 8.0 grams and was arrested and taken to the railing where he was generally available to the superiority



(Note to self: POT IS A VEGETABLE!! This could make it SO much easier to get my 5 reccomended daily servings of vegetables!)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Blotter 8: Dear Lord, Not the Dumpster! (And more, from lovely Kittitas County)

Kittitas County, Washington is definitely a gold mine for blotters:

-"People were reportedly using a Dumpster on Chestnut Street."
NO! Not the Dumpster! Oh, the agony! Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children??

-"A man reportedly assaulted a woman, got in his vehicle and then hit a tree on Salmon la Sac Road."
Okay, so the assault isn't funny. But the karma sure as hell is.

-"A 79-year-old Kittitas man reported the room was spinning and he had difficulty breathing."
Shit, I'd have difficulty breathing if my room was spinning, too!

-"Two pit bulls were reportedly lose and interfering with a yard sale on Washington Street in Cle Elum."
Damn Pit Bulls. They're all the same....they wake up super early and buy up all the good deals from the yard sales before anybody else can get there.

-"Two women were reportedly smoking from a bong on Seattle Street."
'But Officer, it was tobacco. I swear.'

-"A 46-year-old Ellensburg man reported having cold arms and legs."
Okay. Seriously? I can understand a 96 year old person calling 911 with this complaint. But 46? And the report doesn't state any underlying medical issues that would make this a concern?? Grab a blanket and shut your whiny mouth.

Blotter 7: More Rascal Kids, People Without Pants

Two recent gems from the Flathead Valley blotter, in Montana, on 8/25/09:

-"1:16 a.m. Several youths tossed rocks into a yard on Nicholson Drive, thoroughly irritating the homeowner. Authorities responded and encouraged the kids to scram."

Apparently, Yankton isn't the only small town with a "nanny cop". I like to imagine that the cop in this case managed to squeeze the word "hooligan" or "rascal" in there somewhere. But "scram" is pretty good by itself. I also like that the home owner was "thoroughly irritated." Hey, good job, kids....if you're gonna do something, there's no reason to half-ass it.

-"12:58 a.m. A pants-less female subject was discovered near a vehicle parked on Lower Valley Road. Authorities invited the woman to pull up her trousers and move along."

Okay, technically she wasn't "pants-less"....they were just around her ankles. Pants-less indicates that she would have been wholly without pants, and therefore could not have RSVP'd that "invitation" to pull up her trousers and move along. Still, drunken, pants-around-the-ankles street wanderings at 1 AM are ALWAYS good entertainment, no matter where you live.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blotter 6: Cow Tipping FAIL.....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 8/17/09:

-"A sheriff’s office report was received at 5:42 a.m. Monday that a 2003 Chevrolet pickup collided with a cow on 444th Ave. near 307th St. Estimated value of the damage to the vehicle was $3,298. The cow had to be put down due to its injuries."

Of all the accident reports in today's P&D, this one has the most costly amount of damage done to the car. There are some 2003 pickups in Yankton that are barely WORTH $3,298. Moral of the story? Watch out for cows when driving- they'll totally f*ck up your ride.

On another note, there's a cattle rancher down by 444th Ave who's having a neighborhood BBQ....all the burgers and slightly-gritty steaks you can eat! It's BYOB (Bring Your Own Buns). Num-num!!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Blotters 5: Underachieving criminals, a Yabba-Dabba-Doo time....and a bonus, involving your uterus?

I know my blog has hit the big time- my first & only contibutor so far is my beloved Mother dear. She sends this entry from Halifax County, VA, dated Aug 13, 2009. She found the reports in a blog called Southside Central:

-"Dennis Howell, a delivery truck driver for Witt Wholesale, reported that while he was delivering cigarettes to Sunny Quik Shop on Sinai Rd. yesterday, someone climbed into the back of the truck while he was inside the store and stole 2 cartons of cigarettes. Seth Bowen is handling this case."

Let's think like a criminal for a moment. You're ballsy enough to climb inside a delivery truck to steal 2 cartons of cigarettes. Yet the average person is surely capable of carrying more than 2 cartons. C'mon, criminal...where's your ambition? Spend the extra 5 seconds & grab a few more. You can probably carry 6 cartons- 3 under each arm- and if you get caught, you're still below the $500 threshhold for grand theft!

-"W. D. Mclean, of 1200 Carr Lane, Halifax, reported that someone stole his dump truck, which he had left parked at Three Forks Grocery, on Bethel Rd. near Halifax, sometime Wednesday night. The dump truck is a red 2002 Freightliner, bearing VA license plates HA 10559. It also had Flintstone cartoon characters painted on the hood."

Once again, let's think like a criminal. Due to the economy, truck dealerships are overflowing to capacity. Resale value for large diesel trucks and truck parts is down- you're lucky if you can even sell 'em- even on the black market, I'd imagine. If you were a smart vehicle thief, you'd be stealing small fuel-efficient cars. But, apparently the lure of Flinstone cartoon characters was just too much for whoever stole this truck.

And here's a hilarious bonus- not a blotter, but a very important recall alert nonetheless:
http://www.southsidecentral.com/wordpress/2009/08/13/your-uterus-has-been-recalled/#
Apparently, there is a recall on plush uteruses (uteri?). Story of my life- ovaries fallin' off and presenting choking hazards for children and small animals.

On a side note, I've got something new on my Christmas list, a collection that'll go great with my GIANT Microbes. Plush internal organs!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Blotters 4: A peek at small-town Washington State

I found several note-worthy incidents from recent days on this site, and couldn't pick just one.

Reported from KVNews.com,in the Kittitas County WA area, between Aug 13-14, 2009:

-"Someone reportedly found a small baggie she believed to be containing crystal meth on University Way."
(Damn. Best I've ever done, is found a $5 bill on the ground outside of an Applebee's.)

-"Iron bars were reportedly found alongside the road on Golf Course Road in Cle Elum."
(Iron bars? Golf Course Road? They wouldn't be golf clubs, now would they?)

-"Someone was reportedly shooting a gun in a field and shot two coyotes on Teanaway Road in Cle Elum."
(Here in SD, that's not only legal, but encouraged.)

-"Someone reportedly picked up another person’s walker and threw it around the residence on Clockum Road."
(Now that's just plain mean. Hilarious mental image, but mean).

-"Ten vehicles were reportedly parked in a circle with kids standing in the circle on Capitol Avenue."
(Damn kids. Betcha they was drinkin' that wine, and smokin' them tweeds, too. Wearin them clothes all half off their ass...what the hell's goin' on today? Huh?)

From the same county, August 7-12:

-"A man reportedly went to the counter of a bank and said “give me money” on Fifth Avenue."
(The cops were called because he failed to say "please".)

-"An airplane was reportedly trying to land on Airport Road."
(Well, perhaps they should consider re-naming the road to eliminate future pilot error.)

-"A woman reported that her boyfriend was driving too fast on Interstate 90 near Easton."
(She called the cops on her boyfriend- whose car she was riding in- for speeding?? Wow. Is there a Bitch of the Year award in Washington State?)

This is a call that came in to the fire department...but, erm:
-"A 51-year-old Ellensburg man was reportedly not behaving normally."
(At least he was apparently being polite while behaving abnormally, otherwise they'd have sent out the cops).

-"A man reportedly was standing in someone’s yard with no clothes on Mountain View Avenue."
(Why doesn't this happen where I live?)

-"A person who purchased some DVDs found meth inside one on 8th Avenue."
(Damn! Was it the movie "Spun"? Washington truly is the land of rain and crystal meth).

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Blotters 3: Awesome Driving Award

This is what happens when Chuck Norris drives a car.

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, Aug 11, 2009:
Witnesses reported to the sheriff’s office at 10:28 p.m. Saturday that a 2000 GMC pickup rolled over near Highway 50 and 433rd Ave. The vehicle landed on its wheels, and the driver left the scene in it. It was determined that the driver was a 20-year-old Yankton man. He was arrested for reckless driving and failure to report an accident.

Reckless driving? More like Awesome Driving. I think in this case, the cops & witnesses were just jealous that they could never pull off such a kickass stunt.

Blotter Two: Call the cops- tell 'em to bring some jam.

Of all the pranks one can play that involve the use of foodstuffs...one Yankton resident was compelled to select peanut butter when seeking revenge on the neighbors.

From July 24, 2009 Yankton Press & Dakotan:
Two females and a male reported Friday morning that someone put peanut butter under the door handles on their vehicles while they were parked in the 2900 block of Douglas Ave. Several area residents were spoken with about the incident and were told to get along with each other.

I love the part where they were "told to get along with each other". I'm picturing a police officer armed with only a ruler, who frequently uses words like "hooligan" or "rascal". A cop who is an expert in stern lectures and finger-waggings. He's probably the guy they sent out to handle the pool-pooping kid, too.



IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!! (I couldn't resist).

Blotters- The Beginning: Putting the 'poo' in pool....

This is the incident that inspired the creation of this blog. I first featured it in my other blog, Cattledog Manifesto and by the time I'd posted 2 more from the same paper within the week, I figured it was time for a 2nd blog.

The following is from the Yankton Press & Dakotan, published Aug 7, 2009:
"A request for an officer was received at 7:49 p.m. Wednesday. Memorial pool staff requested that an YPD Officer speak with an 8-year-old boy about pooping on the floor. Boy was spoken to and advised he would not do it again."

Note to parents: If your child has the bathroom habits of a 10 week old Cocker Spaniel, he is too young to go to the pool by himself.

I love how this entry has so much ambiguity. For instance, the pool staff wanted the cop to speak to the boy ABOUT pooping on the floor? Did they want the boy to be REPRIMANDED, or did they just want to watch a kid squirm while a strange man talked to him about public defecation?