Monday, August 31, 2009

Blotter 12: Maybe he was just singing "Kumba Ya"??

More from KV News in the Kittitas County area of Washington, Aug 28-31, 2009:

An older man was reportedly holding a cup and swaying back and forth on 18th Avenue.

Maybe he was just the first person in one of those "Hands Across America" chains? And was holding a cup until he could find someone's hand to hold. Ever think of that??

A woman was reportedly talking to herself while waiving to traffic with a beer in her hand on Manitoba Avenue.

See? She was probably just talking on her Bluetooth to the swaying guy, and on her way to hold his hand and sway with him. Sheesh, you people have a hair-trigger on calling 911, don'tcha??

A woman was reportedly screaming during a violent confrontation on Anderson Street.

Come to think of it, I haven't experienced many violent confrontations where the participants discuss matters in a calm, collected manner.

A 30-year-old heavyset man was reportedly riding a bicycle in the middle of the roadway on Main Street in Ellensburg.

Perhaps this was just his attempt to turn himself into a 30-year-old man of average height and weight. Leave a bike-riding fatty alone, at least he's not on the couch eatin' chips. SHARE THE ROAD and SHADDUP!!!

The power was reportedly out on Gee Whiz Road.

Gee Whiz Road?? Seriously? That's AWESOME.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Blotter 11: Timely police reports....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan. Take note of the date: August 28, 2009.

• Police received a report of a possible robbery/terroristic threats that allegedly took place on Aug. 4. The incident was reported at 4 a.m. Friday. The incident is under investigation.

No...there's nothing odd about this. Heck, every time I'm not sure whether or not I've been robbed by a terrorist sleeper cell, I wait the requisite 20-30 days before reporting the incident to the police. Oh, and I make sure to alert the police several hours before sunrise. That way, I don't sound like a crazy person.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Small Town Mexico Is Hilarious, Too

Another contribution by the only person who reads this blog (apparently) dear, wonderful mother :)

This blotter is from someplace in Mexico. Here is the link to the original site, in Spanish:

Since my Spanish is limited to the phrases necessary to get a semi truck loaded with fruit at a Texas border-town shipping warehouse; I used Google Translate to get some idea as to what it all says. Which, of course, makes it even more hilarious, since the computerized translation is incredibly awkward.

Oh, and the best part? The mugshots are included on some of these blotters, often times along with the implements involved in the commission of the crime. Here are a few of my favorites:

Robbery at business, law merchant
Later, at 1820 hours elements of this address, on the streets of Czda. Augustine Olachea and Tenochtitlan, on the premises of the law merchant, who made the arrest said his name was Jose Angel Lopez Delgado, 37 years old, homeless and originally from Chihuahua state, since only moments before had attempted to remove without pay a Jimador tequila bottle 950 ml, being surprised by personnel of such negotiations, proceeding to give it to the military, so he was transferred to the rail generally being available to the superiority.

Moral of the story? Don't steal tequila and try to give it to....the military?

At 09:30 hours yesterday, parts of this address, on the streets of Campeche and lane three, they arrested who gave his name, Francisco EncarnaciĆ³n Romero Ojeda, 31 years old, it was reported by the C. Benito Yepez Maldonado, 20 years old, just before that person had entered her home and had taken a flange type hydraulic jack, an extension cord and a bag of tent, therefore, requested the presence of uniform for his arrest, as would happen at the Agency of the Prosecutor's Common Law, to settle his claim for, so that reported he was arrested and taken to the railing where he was generally available to the superiority.

(Don't you just HATE it when your "bag of tent" gets stolen?? Mine disappears every time I turn my back, it seems. Next time somebody steals it, I'm going to request the "presence of uniform" too- airline pilot,'ll help comfort me in my time of loss. And while I am sure this is just one of the quirks of Google translate, I really wonder what this whole "taken to the rail/railing" thing is? Sounds painful.)

Vegetable green and dry
At 12:50 hours yesterday, parts of this address, on the streets of Gomez Farias and Jalisco, who made the arrest said his name was Benjamin Lopez Gonzalez, 33 years old, alias "El Coyote" by occupancy car wash, same as above just before traveling on streets, on board a mountain bike type, white color with gray, and was smoking a cigarette, and noting the presence of the soldiers, without any reason attitude was quite nervous, so it was intercepted meters ahead, noting that agents who smoked cigarettes was forged from a green vegetable and dry, and to undergo a body search, he found two plastic wrappings, which each contain within it a green and dry vegetation, giving an approximate total weight of the cigarette and two wrappers of 8.0 grams and was arrested and taken to the railing where he was generally available to the superiority

(Note to self: POT IS A VEGETABLE!! This could make it SO much easier to get my 5 reccomended daily servings of vegetables!)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Blotter 8: Dear Lord, Not the Dumpster! (And more, from lovely Kittitas County)

Kittitas County, Washington is definitely a gold mine for blotters:

-"People were reportedly using a Dumpster on Chestnut Street."
NO! Not the Dumpster! Oh, the agony! Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children??

-"A man reportedly assaulted a woman, got in his vehicle and then hit a tree on Salmon la Sac Road."
Okay, so the assault isn't funny. But the karma sure as hell is.

-"A 79-year-old Kittitas man reported the room was spinning and he had difficulty breathing."
Shit, I'd have difficulty breathing if my room was spinning, too!

-"Two pit bulls were reportedly lose and interfering with a yard sale on Washington Street in Cle Elum."
Damn Pit Bulls. They're all the same....they wake up super early and buy up all the good deals from the yard sales before anybody else can get there.

-"Two women were reportedly smoking from a bong on Seattle Street."
'But Officer, it was tobacco. I swear.'

-"A 46-year-old Ellensburg man reported having cold arms and legs."
Okay. Seriously? I can understand a 96 year old person calling 911 with this complaint. But 46? And the report doesn't state any underlying medical issues that would make this a concern?? Grab a blanket and shut your whiny mouth.

Blotter 7: More Rascal Kids, People Without Pants

Two recent gems from the Flathead Valley blotter, in Montana, on 8/25/09:

-"1:16 a.m. Several youths tossed rocks into a yard on Nicholson Drive, thoroughly irritating the homeowner. Authorities responded and encouraged the kids to scram."

Apparently, Yankton isn't the only small town with a "nanny cop". I like to imagine that the cop in this case managed to squeeze the word "hooligan" or "rascal" in there somewhere. But "scram" is pretty good by itself. I also like that the home owner was "thoroughly irritated." Hey, good job, kids....if you're gonna do something, there's no reason to half-ass it.

-"12:58 a.m. A pants-less female subject was discovered near a vehicle parked on Lower Valley Road. Authorities invited the woman to pull up her trousers and move along."

Okay, technically she wasn't "pants-less"....they were just around her ankles. Pants-less indicates that she would have been wholly without pants, and therefore could not have RSVP'd that "invitation" to pull up her trousers and move along. Still, drunken, pants-around-the-ankles street wanderings at 1 AM are ALWAYS good entertainment, no matter where you live.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blotter 6: Cow Tipping FAIL.....

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, 8/17/09:

-"A sheriff’s office report was received at 5:42 a.m. Monday that a 2003 Chevrolet pickup collided with a cow on 444th Ave. near 307th St. Estimated value of the damage to the vehicle was $3,298. The cow had to be put down due to its injuries."

Of all the accident reports in today's P&D, this one has the most costly amount of damage done to the car. There are some 2003 pickups in Yankton that are barely WORTH $3,298. Moral of the story? Watch out for cows when driving- they'll totally f*ck up your ride.

On another note, there's a cattle rancher down by 444th Ave who's having a neighborhood BBQ....all the burgers and slightly-gritty steaks you can eat! It's BYOB (Bring Your Own Buns). Num-num!!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Blotters 5: Underachieving criminals, a Yabba-Dabba-Doo time....and a bonus, involving your uterus?

I know my blog has hit the big time- my first & only contibutor so far is my beloved Mother dear. She sends this entry from Halifax County, VA, dated Aug 13, 2009. She found the reports in a blog called Southside Central:

-"Dennis Howell, a delivery truck driver for Witt Wholesale, reported that while he was delivering cigarettes to Sunny Quik Shop on Sinai Rd. yesterday, someone climbed into the back of the truck while he was inside the store and stole 2 cartons of cigarettes. Seth Bowen is handling this case."

Let's think like a criminal for a moment. You're ballsy enough to climb inside a delivery truck to steal 2 cartons of cigarettes. Yet the average person is surely capable of carrying more than 2 cartons. C'mon, criminal...where's your ambition? Spend the extra 5 seconds & grab a few more. You can probably carry 6 cartons- 3 under each arm- and if you get caught, you're still below the $500 threshhold for grand theft!

-"W. D. Mclean, of 1200 Carr Lane, Halifax, reported that someone stole his dump truck, which he had left parked at Three Forks Grocery, on Bethel Rd. near Halifax, sometime Wednesday night. The dump truck is a red 2002 Freightliner, bearing VA license plates HA 10559. It also had Flintstone cartoon characters painted on the hood."

Once again, let's think like a criminal. Due to the economy, truck dealerships are overflowing to capacity. Resale value for large diesel trucks and truck parts is down- you're lucky if you can even sell 'em- even on the black market, I'd imagine. If you were a smart vehicle thief, you'd be stealing small fuel-efficient cars. But, apparently the lure of Flinstone cartoon characters was just too much for whoever stole this truck.

And here's a hilarious bonus- not a blotter, but a very important recall alert nonetheless:
Apparently, there is a recall on plush uteruses (uteri?). Story of my life- ovaries fallin' off and presenting choking hazards for children and small animals.

On a side note, I've got something new on my Christmas list, a collection that'll go great with my GIANT Microbes. Plush internal organs!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Blotters 4: A peek at small-town Washington State

I found several note-worthy incidents from recent days on this site, and couldn't pick just one.

Reported from,in the Kittitas County WA area, between Aug 13-14, 2009:

-"Someone reportedly found a small baggie she believed to be containing crystal meth on University Way."
(Damn. Best I've ever done, is found a $5 bill on the ground outside of an Applebee's.)

-"Iron bars were reportedly found alongside the road on Golf Course Road in Cle Elum."
(Iron bars? Golf Course Road? They wouldn't be golf clubs, now would they?)

-"Someone was reportedly shooting a gun in a field and shot two coyotes on Teanaway Road in Cle Elum."
(Here in SD, that's not only legal, but encouraged.)

-"Someone reportedly picked up another person’s walker and threw it around the residence on Clockum Road."
(Now that's just plain mean. Hilarious mental image, but mean).

-"Ten vehicles were reportedly parked in a circle with kids standing in the circle on Capitol Avenue."
(Damn kids. Betcha they was drinkin' that wine, and smokin' them tweeds, too. Wearin them clothes all half off their ass...what the hell's goin' on today? Huh?)

From the same county, August 7-12:

-"A man reportedly went to the counter of a bank and said “give me money” on Fifth Avenue."
(The cops were called because he failed to say "please".)

-"An airplane was reportedly trying to land on Airport Road."
(Well, perhaps they should consider re-naming the road to eliminate future pilot error.)

-"A woman reported that her boyfriend was driving too fast on Interstate 90 near Easton."
(She called the cops on her boyfriend- whose car she was riding in- for speeding?? Wow. Is there a Bitch of the Year award in Washington State?)

This is a call that came in to the fire department...but, erm:
-"A 51-year-old Ellensburg man was reportedly not behaving normally."
(At least he was apparently being polite while behaving abnormally, otherwise they'd have sent out the cops).

-"A man reportedly was standing in someone’s yard with no clothes on Mountain View Avenue."
(Why doesn't this happen where I live?)

-"A person who purchased some DVDs found meth inside one on 8th Avenue."
(Damn! Was it the movie "Spun"? Washington truly is the land of rain and crystal meth).

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Blotters 3: Awesome Driving Award

This is what happens when Chuck Norris drives a car.

From the Yankton Press & Dakotan, Aug 11, 2009:
Witnesses reported to the sheriff’s office at 10:28 p.m. Saturday that a 2000 GMC pickup rolled over near Highway 50 and 433rd Ave. The vehicle landed on its wheels, and the driver left the scene in it. It was determined that the driver was a 20-year-old Yankton man. He was arrested for reckless driving and failure to report an accident.

Reckless driving? More like Awesome Driving. I think in this case, the cops & witnesses were just jealous that they could never pull off such a kickass stunt.

Blotter Two: Call the cops- tell 'em to bring some jam.

Of all the pranks one can play that involve the use of Yankton resident was compelled to select peanut butter when seeking revenge on the neighbors.

From July 24, 2009 Yankton Press & Dakotan:
Two females and a male reported Friday morning that someone put peanut butter under the door handles on their vehicles while they were parked in the 2900 block of Douglas Ave. Several area residents were spoken with about the incident and were told to get along with each other.

I love the part where they were "told to get along with each other". I'm picturing a police officer armed with only a ruler, who frequently uses words like "hooligan" or "rascal". A cop who is an expert in stern lectures and finger-waggings. He's probably the guy they sent out to handle the pool-pooping kid, too.

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!! (I couldn't resist).

Blotters- The Beginning: Putting the 'poo' in pool....

This is the incident that inspired the creation of this blog. I first featured it in my other blog, Cattledog Manifesto and by the time I'd posted 2 more from the same paper within the week, I figured it was time for a 2nd blog.

The following is from the Yankton Press & Dakotan, published Aug 7, 2009:
"A request for an officer was received at 7:49 p.m. Wednesday. Memorial pool staff requested that an YPD Officer speak with an 8-year-old boy about pooping on the floor. Boy was spoken to and advised he would not do it again."

Note to parents: If your child has the bathroom habits of a 10 week old Cocker Spaniel, he is too young to go to the pool by himself.

I love how this entry has so much ambiguity. For instance, the pool staff wanted the cop to speak to the boy ABOUT pooping on the floor? Did they want the boy to be REPRIMANDED, or did they just want to watch a kid squirm while a strange man talked to him about public defecation?