Apparently, I'm not the only one who finds hilarity in the Yankton police blotter. The guy at the Press and Dakotan who is responsible for reading through the police logs & transcribing them to the paper has also found plenty of cause for laughter in the past year. He wrote an article listing some of his favorite incidents. They all pre-date this blog, so I figured I'd post the article. Here is a direct link to the article:
YPD Cop Files: Lost, Found or Posessed? by Nathan Johnson
And here's the article in its entirety:
Scouring the logs of the Yankton Police Department and the Yankton County Sheriff’s Office on a daily basis can often be mundane work. But occasionally, the effort is rewarded with an entry that provokes curiosity, laughter, bafflement or a combination of all three.
During the course of the past year, I’ve collected the following entries. The names of the (mostly) innocent have been withheld.
• Remember to always check your pockets. It could save you from a trip to jail, as one man learned. He reported that $160 was stolen from his wallet. Upon meeting with him, police found there was a warrant out for his arrest. During his admission into jail, the missing cash was found in his pants pocket. Case solved.
• A woman called the sheriff’s office to request assistance in removing her husband from the house. Why? She was mad at him for bringing a stripper home to spend the night. Fortunately, no assault had taken place and arrests were not necessary.
• A male black-and-white kitten “was found attempting to shop” at a local department store when it was captured and taken to the pound.
• Who is the man in the mirror? Apparently, he’s the guy who enters your residence at night while you are sleeping. A man reported that a male who looked just like him had entered his apartment while he was asleep. The report didn’t elaborate on what exactly the doppelgänger did. The complainant just wanted the police to know that it had happened.
• Talk about a crappy situation for all involved. A report was received that a 3-year-old was missing. He was eventually found hiding under a bed because he had soiled his pants.
• Rusty was one cool cat — until you got him into a vehicle, anyway. The owner gave the orange cat to four people, who were transporting the animal to their home in a vehicle. Along the way, Rusty snapped and bit every one of his captors before he was set loose. At the time of the report, he had not been located.
• “Dude, where is my car?” we suspect a woman might have asked when she reported her vehicle stolen. She had walked out of a store and could not find it. And then the complainant remembered: Her daughter had taken the vehicle, and she had actually walked to the store.
• Further evidence that time spent shopping can be bad for your brain: A report was received that a vehicle had been stolen from a parking lot. However, it turned out that the individuals had simply left the shopping center from a different point than they had entered. Once that detail was worked out, the vehicle was located.
• As all those who believe in such things know, God sometimes works in mysterious ways. In this case, a Minnesota man called police to inform them that he was being harassed by a Yankton man who has a “lost soul” and has not been “reading his Bible.” The complainant could not explain exactly how he was being harassed, and no follow-up was done to determine whether the accused would be making good with his Creator anytime soon.
• I have friends who are Steelers fans, so I can vouch for the fact that they are an excitable bunch. But I guess I’ve got to cut them some slack occasionally. A report was received of an individual being beaten with a bat inside a residence. Police arrived at the scene to find a man and his wife waving “Terrible Towels” during a Steelers game.
• Residents reported that a hamster and a bolt-action rifle with a scope were taken from their home while they were away during the previous month. I can’t help but wonder whether “Hambo” actually just made a run for it.
• A woman reported that a female was stalking and harassing her. However, police told the complainant that when someone is invited to a residence and they knock on a door to gain entry, that is not considered harassment or stalking. Still, the visitor was advised not to return, or she would be arrested for trespassing after notice.
• Those ducks know how to — what? A report was received that a duck with a broken leg was being assaulted by several other ducks. An officer informed the concerned parties that the ducks were mating.
• It wasn’t Halloween — it was May, actually — so a man was concerned when he saw a “witch convention.” Police found several adults dressed like witches in the front yard of a home, but they did not observe the coven breaking any modern-day laws.
• You think it’s a thing of the past for people to run off with the carnival? You’re wrong. A Nebraska man called police because he was concerned about an 18-year-old woman who had joined the carnival. He believed the show was heading to Yankton. Police advised the man that the woman was an adult and could make her own choices.
• Have you heard this? Police received a report that marijuana was being “spoken” in a trailer home.
• A woman reported that an object appeared to have fallen from an airplane and became lodged in her roof. An officer located the object and informed her that it appeared to be her sewer vent pipe.
• In the good old days, someone would follow you around and then beat you up. Today, harassment has become much more ominous. A man reported that several individuals were following him around with a device that makes the headlights on his car remain on for up to 20 seconds after he shuts the car off. An officer kindly advised him that many newer vehicles have headlights that are supposed to do that, and no more police action was taken.
• Here’s a happy ending for you: A woman called police to report her 64-year-old son as a missing person. The authorities were quickly able to alleviate her fears. They informed her to contact the Yankton County jail, where he was being held.
Coming soon, from Pixar…
2 years ago