Blotter 27: Yankton, you need to be more hilarious, this crap just isn't cutting it.

Yeah. I know I suck at updating my blog. I place the blame squarely on Yankton. Nothing worth posting has ended up in the Yankton blotter in quite some time, and not seeing funny business in Yankton's paper saps my motivation so that I don't look at other online blotters.

So this is a call to the residents of Yankton, South Dakota. Go out and do funny shit. Get drunk, get naked, get stupid. Nine people read this blog and they are counting on you to give them mild amusement. Just don't get yourselves hurt. That's not what we're about here at STPB.

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, 12/16/09:

12:09 p.m. A small amount of paint came off of a county vehicle while going through a carwash.

Seriously?? Why this warranted a call to ANYBODY let alone the police, is beyond me.

1:36 p.m. Three counterfeit $20 bills turned up at an Evergreen box store. They were poorly done, having lived former lives as $5 bills.

I for one have to give the counterfeit bills credit. Rather than be content with the lowly status in life that they were assigned, they aspired to be something more. Way to go, little guys. Keep fighting the good fight.

10:27 p.m. Someone on Spring Creek Drive noticed several parties get out of their vehicles, engage in what appeared to be a fight, and then leave.

The first rule of Fight Club is YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. Geesh!

Blotter 20: Woodland toilet, Limbaugh's ranch in Montana

From the Flathead Beacon, Montana, 9/26/09:

8:54 a.m. Someone on Elk Park Road noticed a suspicious figure wandering around the reporting party’s house. Authorities contacted the stranger, who explained that he was relieving himself in the woods after eating a dinner that upset his stomach.

I guess indoor plumbing isn't universal in this neck of the...erm...woods? And relieving himself "after dinner"...at 8:54 in the morning?

10:15 a.m. A counterfeit $50 bill showed up at a local casino.

He just wanted to play the slots, I guess?

3:06 p.m. A resident of Labrant road has been receiving hate mail for several years.

What he failed to mention was that he is actually Rush Limbaugh and was visiting his Montana ranch home to get in a quick deer hunt before going back on the air Monday. Case closed.

Blotter 17: Grandma catburglar, dryer repair, more bear behavior...

More beauties from Montana's Flathead Beacon, 9/9/09:

10:10 p.m. A man and his children arrived home to find that all of the house lights had been turned on in their absence. The shady intruder turned out to be the children’s grandmother.
Shady grandma, reeeal shady.

1:32 p.m. A teenaged individual knocked on a Shady Lane door, asking for money to help fund his college education. The resident, a welfare recipient, denied this request and in turn asked if the teen would lend him $10.
Touche'

9:04 a.m. Nine cows wandered about on Highway 2 West. The cows were well within their rights to do so, as the area was open range.
First, and quite possibly the last time you'll find the phrase "cows were well within their rights" in a Montana newspaper, I think.

8:33 a.m. Residents of Ridgewood Drive were alarmed to hear what seemed to be shouting and gunshots in the area. Authorities arrived to find that a man at the residence was not harming others but rather had lost his temper while fixing the dryer.
Ah, the cherished rural tradition of "fixing" troublesome appliances with one's 12-gauge.

5:34 p.m. Someone camping approximately 7 miles up the North Fork Road reports that a bear came into his camp, destroyed his belongings and ate all his food.
Yep, bears have been known to do that occasionally. "Yogi needs his pic-a-nic basket, Booboo!"

Blogger 16: Cow chaos, normal bear behavior and evil cats.

From the Flathead Beacon, Flathead Valley Montana, 9/8/09:

10:09 a.m. A black calf ran amok in Creston.
"Ran amok"?? Are we sure it wasn't this lady....? (Seriously, click the link. It beats anything I've posted here so far!!)


11:39 a.m. Someone claimed to have found an open suitcase full of old clothes on Hubbard Dam Road. The supposed abandoned luggage turned out to be a pile of trash.
Suitcase full of clothes....pile of trash. Oh, the similarities...anybody could have made this mistake, right?

2:00 p.m. A mama bear and her two cubs exhibited normal bear behavior near the mailboxes on Lone Pine Road.
"Normal bear behavior"?? Normal bears would probably be trying to eat the mailboxes, I'd think.

2:36 p.m. One of the teachers at a Bigfork School did not enjoy the presence of a bat in the area.
Bat....as in "baseball" or "small blind flying mammal"?? I could see someone being uncomfortable with the animal-bat...but at 2:36 in the afternoon? Where was this bat? And if she was uncomfortable with a baseball bat, maybe there's some 'bizarre phobia' episode of Maury waiting for her...

2:20 p.m. One kid supposedly threatened another kid with a knife at an RV park on Helena Flats Road. Upon closer inspection, the weapon turned out to be a fingernail file.
Get back, or I'll cut you, ese. Or I'll give you a pedicure. You pick.


10:52 p.m. An individual on Whitefish Stage Road was alarmed to see something moving in the nearby willow trees. The mysterious prowler turned out to be a harmless domestic cat.
"Harmless"? Pah! Cats are evil...and this one was plotting something, rest assured.

Blotter 14: It's funny because there's a monkey involved.

From the Flathead Beacon, Flathead Valley Montana, 9/4/09:

10:30 p.m. An anonymous caller claims that a chimpanzee beat him up and injured his dog at a Lakeside grocery store. The reporting party adamantly refused to disclose his name, and no such monkey could be located.

This is what happens when good monkeys go bad. I'll bet $20 bucks this is the chimp from "BJ and the Bear". He became disgruntled sometime in the early 80's when America became disinterested in the saga of a trucker and his monkey....and hit the downward spiral into prostitution, amphetamine addiction, alcoholism and finally beating up innocent people and canines somewhere in rural Montana. Such a sad fate for a cheery little monkey.

6:17 p.m. An oversized truck carrying some sort of a boiler blocked both lanes of traffic near an Evergreen sports complex.
10:32 p.m. Someone called from a wireless phone to report that someone was driving eastward in the westbound lane of Highway 40. Authorities could not locate the hazardous driver.


See? Apparently BJ the trucker has hit hard times as well....judging by these driving skills and the oversized load, I'd guess he's now driving for CRST's flatbed division, sans monkey. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Blotter 7: More Rascal Kids, People Without Pants

Two recent gems from the Flathead Valley blotter, in Montana, on 8/25/09:

-"1:16 a.m. Several youths tossed rocks into a yard on Nicholson Drive, thoroughly irritating the homeowner. Authorities responded and encouraged the kids to scram."

Apparently, Yankton isn't the only small town with a "nanny cop". I like to imagine that the cop in this case managed to squeeze the word "hooligan" or "rascal" in there somewhere. But "scram" is pretty good by itself. I also like that the home owner was "thoroughly irritated." Hey, good job, kids....if you're gonna do something, there's no reason to half-ass it.

-"12:58 a.m. A pants-less female subject was discovered near a vehicle parked on Lower Valley Road. Authorities invited the woman to pull up her trousers and move along."

Okay, technically she wasn't "pants-less"....they were just around her ankles. Pants-less indicates that she would have been wholly without pants, and therefore could not have RSVP'd that "invitation" to pull up her trousers and move along. Still, drunken, pants-around-the-ankles street wanderings at 1 AM are ALWAYS good entertainment, no matter where you live.